I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
