bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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