Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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