don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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