Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
