I hope mine doesn't look like that
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
