there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
