I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
