I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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