We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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