we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I touched a dick in church today
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