Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
