that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize