I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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