You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
