went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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