Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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