My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The air was thick with penises
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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