i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize