anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Floor bacon is actually really good
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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