My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
