just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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