good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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