Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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