i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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