What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Holy shit dude........stairs
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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