I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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