im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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