I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
