my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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