I think my vagina is haunted
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
