Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
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