i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
