After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
