We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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