i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
