my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
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