remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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