Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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