Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize