Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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