Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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