i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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