He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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