I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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