Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
