Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wish you could order shots online.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
