last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
