I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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