I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
