Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
