Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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