I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
