Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
