I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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