i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
