So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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