Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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