just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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