I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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