Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
