k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
